Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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