Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
