We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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