I wish I could teleport
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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