I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
