He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
