God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
