So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
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you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
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Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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