Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
