I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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