You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
