There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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