I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
