Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she was so not down for the gang bang
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
