if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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