I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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