end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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