My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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