i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if i can run in heels then i can drive
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
