I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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