Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
