May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
me + whiskey = a bad person
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
