I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
