dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
