You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
