youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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