just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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