Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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