Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
