I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
