Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
