I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
