That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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