i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
