found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
