Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
