watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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