when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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