if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
