I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
