fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
