explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
