I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize