If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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