there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
