You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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