No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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