Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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