sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
