is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
