I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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