I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
