Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
