omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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