did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
