just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
