Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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